Uldis is Gone!

Brian Worley


Who is Uldis? Uldis is a Latvian fundamentalist Christian layman that occasionally fills the pulpit when his preacher cannot. He is also the ex-boyfriend of my mother in law.

Uldis used to have a severe drinking problem. Seems that nothing quenched his penchant for alcohol; but then he met Jesus! Swallowing the religious placebo pill has magically cured his alcohol problems! Viewing the gospel in this light, one can rejoice in the message of the good news!

Pharmaceutical companies have probably lost quite a bit of money to it’s placebo making competitor. Perhaps they should really consider marketing “Salt Peter?” What’s that?

While I was undergoing “boot camp” in the US Army during the early 80’s, there was much talk about “Salt Peter!” You see, for those 8 long weeks of boot camp one is denied the opportunity for opposite sex sexual intercourse. Imagine the frustration of youngster’s in their sexual prime, one can go crazy! So the joke was that “Uncle Sam” put “salt peter” in your food to minimize the natural sexual cravings. It was considered an act of mercy. Anyway, you veterans know what I mean here and you probably got a good laugh from it as well!

Now back to Uldis. While the placebo seemed to fix his drinking problem, the Jesus pill didn’t address his sexual judgment! He told my mother-in-law that it was Ok for a married woman they knew to have a “boyfriend” around if she wanted to. Strange, but he never figured out how that conversation changed their relationship! They remained “shacked up” together as a convenience as an unlikely couple: saint and pagan under one roof until the split!

A Latvian woman in her 50’s has a better chance of getting struck by lightning or winning the lottery than she does finding a good man locally; so she kept him around.

It’s their life, they can do whatever they please. Outside of Uldis’ sexual peccadilloes, he was a very kind, considerate man that I grew to like....but respect is an entirely different matter! I’ve never understood the “cherry picking” of Christians toward the commandments that they deemed essential for salvation. Drinking sends you to Hell, but fornication evidently doesn’t. I’ve got news for all of these “cherry pickers” (this time pun is intended); fornicators will be tossed into the Lake of Fire according to the scriptures!

The occasion that reminded me of Uldis was yesterday, my wife’s sister graduated from High School. Uldis cringed whenever alcohol was present in any gathering. He didn’t want it around and tried to make those uncomfortable or guilty that put their lips to the bottle. We tried to respect Uldis wishes by not provoking him, but he sure made things tense! After all, in a family atmosphere one makes adjustments for the common good. To this day, I rarely drink so it wasn’t much of an adjustment for me to abstain from alcohol.

It was nice to pop the corks yesterday for the special occasion without the guilt trip. Cheers Uldis!


Brian Worley     June 21, 2009     Ex-minister.org     All rights reserved!


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